It could happen again

It could happen again, and it could be my daughter, or yours, miscarrying at seventeen weeks, getting sicker by the hour, dying day by day, just like Savita.

Can you imagine yourself, grabbing every doctor you can find by the scruff of the neck? “For the love of Christ, save her.”

I can.

I can see myself pleading, begging, crying. Just the thought of that desperation is making me taste adrenaline in my mouth.

Perhaps, though, you have convinced yourself that the eighth amendment had nothing to do with Savita’s death. Perhaps Prof Sir Sabaratnam Arulkumaran, who chaired the HSE inquiry into Ms Halappanavar’s death, is wrong, and you are right.

But would you bet your daughter’s life on it?

I wouldn’t.

On May 25th, I will vote in a school hall – the school where my twelve-year-old daughter goes – but I will imagine that the voting booth is in that hospital corridor, sometime in the future, and I have the choice to untie her doctor’s hands, to end the madness of equating her life, in that moment, with the heartbeat of her miscarrying fetus.

You might accuse me of having an over-active imagination. I will admit that I have a good imagination, and yet, what I cannot imagine, what I cannot fathom, is any father, any husband, any man who has ever loved a woman who is pregnant, in that dire situation, voting to retain the eighth amendment.

#repealthe8th #togetherforyes

10 Things to Remember on International Women’s Day

1/ Dads, when you’re looking after your own kids it’s not called “babysitting.”

2/ Once she is over three she is not a “baby,” once she is over eighteen she is not a “girl,” and she was never, ever a “chick” – that’s not respect, that’s just basic biology.

3/ However, nobody puts baby in the corner.

4/ Never ask a childless woman in a relationship, “Will we hear the pitter patter of little feet soon?” Some women can’t have children. And some women don’t want to have children, on the sound basis that children don’t pitter or patter: they piss and poo all over your peace of mind.  Continue reading

Bagpipe Control

This is a controversial opinion, but I think that people should be allowed to own bagpipes. I know that some would rather see a total ban but I think in the right venue, with the right amount of training, they can be played safely.

It is obvious, though, that we need far more stringent bagpipe background checks, because the difference between someone who is a responsible bagpipe owner and someone who is mentally unwell is often very, very difficult to discern.

Everytime anyone calls for sensible bagpipe laws, though, they are blocked by politicians, who coincidentally also happen to be well-funded by the NBA (the National Bagpipe Association, of course.) They don’t even want to talk about it, but, as much as it pains me to say it, we need to talk about bagpipes. Continue reading

To Be Continued…

America’s number one villain, GunCrime, had struck. Again.

“We need a hero,” said Most of America: “This sounds like a job for GunControl.”

“I’m ready to go whenever you are,” said GunControl, very sensibly.

“Actually, we have a better idea,” said The Politicians.

Instead, they despatched their number one GunCrime-fighting duo: Thoughts & Prayers.

“Fear not, citizens, I am going to think about this,” said Thoughts
“I, too, am going to think about this,” said Prayers, “but in my own very special way.”

However, despite the best efforts of Thoughts & Prayers, GunCrime managed to escape. Again. (I know, it’s hard to believe.)

“I am very sad,” said Thoughts.
“I, too, am sad,” said Prayers.

“There’s nothing more you could have done. You’ll get him next time,” said The Politicians.

“Er…maybe I could have a go next time?” suggested GunControl, helpfully.

“Shhhh, now is not the time to talk about that, can’t you see that people are sad,” said The Politicians.

“Are you for real?” said Most of America, and The Rest of The World.

Apparently, they were.


Now that our eldest daughter is quickly becoming a teenager, I asked my wife what is the most important piece of advice we could give her to help her to have a happy life. My wife thought about it for a long time, and then she said, “I have three…”

  1. “Passion is wonderful, but it will fade. Find someone who you can read, cry and (above all) laugh with in bed.”
  2. “When the situation calls for it, learn to say “fuck off,” loudly, and mean it.”
  3. “And finally, I would defer to the wonderful words of Shakespeare: “This above all – to thine own self be true. And it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.””

“Wow, those are excellent,” I said. “Why? What were you thinking?” she asked. “I just have one,” I said…

“Always wash your face before you wash your arse.”