Bagpipe Control

This is a controversial opinion, but I think that people should be allowed to own bagpipes. I know that some would rather see a total ban but I think in the right venue, with the right amount of training, they can be played safely.

It is obvious, though, that we need far more stringent bagpipe background checks, because the difference between someone who is a responsible bagpipe owner and someone who is mentally unwell is often very, very difficult to discern.

Everytime anyone calls for sensible bagpipe laws, though, they are blocked by politicians, who coincidentally also happen to be well-funded by the NBA (the National Bagpipe Association, of course.) They don’t even want to talk about it, but, as much as it pains me to say it, we need to talk about bagpipes.

In a lot of places, people are allowed to openly-carry. Seeing someone with bagpipes in IKEA or McDonalds, for example, makes me very nervous. I think everyone should be allowed to enjoy flatpack furniture, or flatpack food, without the fear that someone might just start playing their bagpipes at any moment. (Especially in IKEA, because you have to go around the whole store before you can get out.)

I’m not a fan of concealed-carry permits either: as anyone who has ever tried to conceal bagpipes on their person will tell you, there’s a far greater chance of them going off accidentally that way.

I know some people really like playing the bagpipes, and I’m not trying to stop them doing that, but I just don’t understand why bagpipe-playing can’t be confined to bagpipe clubs, the military, and possibly the weddings of couples who really should know better.

There is certainly no place for ABs in public. Amplified Bagpipes. We should immediately ban all bagpipe owners from buying microphones. As anyone who has ever been subjected to an amplified bagpipe can attest, these are clearly instruments of war.

With our current laws, bagpipes can often end up in the hands of the wrong people. Even a responsible bagpipe owner can have a bad day and just decide to unload their bagpipes in public.

In that case, bagpipe advocates will say that the only way to stop a bad person with the bagpipes is a good person with the bagpipes. But, when you think about it, for even a millisecond, that’s just two people playing the bagpipes, isn’t it? And nobody wants that – except bagpipe manufacturers. It’s a nonsensical solution. Obviously, the only way to stop a bad guy with the bagpipes is to shoot him…or…to stop him getting his hands (and mouth) on the bagpipes in the first place.

They will say that even if we did that, that crazy people can still attack crowds with other really annoying instruments, like the tin whistle, and while that is also tragic, there is no instrument that can inflict as much damage to such a large amount of people in such a short amount of time as the bagpipes.

It’s gone so far now that they are even saying that teachers should be trained to play the bagpipes, as if teachers don’t have enough to do. For me, though – and I think most people will agree with me on this – a teacher playing the bagpipes in school is a sign of the breakdown of civil society.

All of the studies say that the more bagpipes there are, the more bagpipe-playing there will be (although I’m not sure why we needed studies to show that.) Those studies also show that it is actually the families of bagpipe players who are usually hurt the most, as they have to listen to them practice.

I think the majority of people would like to see a bagpipe-free world, and while that would be wonderful, unfortunately, it is not possible. As difficult as it is to understand, there is a sizable minority of people who really like the bagpipes. I know. But, it’s true.

However, there should be strict bagpipe control. You shouldn’t be able to just walk into a shop and buy bagpipes. That is incredibly dangerous. There should also be a bagpipe amnesty, where bagpipe-owners who have come to their senses can turn their bagpipes in, safely, and have them destroyed, with relish. And I don’t think it would cost a lot either. I think a lot of people would happily volunteer to help with this service. Am I right?

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